I am currently in Big Bear. I am currently at a Starbucks in Big Bear. To be truthful, ever since the freeway ended yesterday and my ascent up the grand mountain began, I've been in "Whoa, I'm inspired" mode. And it's lasted for almost 24 hours. I've written so many lyrics and have had so many ideas and have soaked in the essence of the trees and I've people watched and all that jazz. And then, right before I depart on my trip back to city life/reality, I stop in this Starbucks and there are children YELLING. I know that I am not a parent and that I am probably overreacting but it's so over-the-top obnoxious that it has, at the moment, nixed my state of inspiredness and has me feeling super bitter over here in the corner. I'm writing this here in order to cope, you know, instead of walking over there and punching each of them in the eye.
IN OTHER NEWS, I am in Big Bear. Which means I am in the mountains. Which means that even though I don't live here, I feel at home. I felt at home the moment I opened the car window and the cold and crispy scent of fresh pine needles whisked through the womb of my car.
Okay they left. Wow I need to figure out a way for myself to not be so affected by the presence of unruly childs.
Back to what I opened my laptop to talk about: the mountains. Yes, I feel at home in the mountains.
I can't help but feel a little sad any time I am experiencing a lot of happiness. I don't know if it's a personal thing - meaning, if it's something I need to work through - or if it's something that's just a part of life. I don't like it, and yet it kind of balances out the happy feelings I feel. Not sure I'll be able to figure this out tonight. All I know is that, since I have very, very melancholy tendencies, I shouldn't think too hard on the matter or else I'll just get bogged down and never move forward.
I'm only going to write this because I know that NO ONE reads this. I really wish I had someone in my life who could share my burdens. I think that sometimes I use that as an excuse. Or as a source of bitterness towards my friends who seem to have everything together (I know that's not true for ANYONE). Sometimes I feel that if I had someone to share everything with, then the scary things in life wouldn't seem so scary. It's odd. It really is, when I truly think it through in a logical manner. Because I do not view God the way I should and this is proof of that. I would feel more secure and at ease if I had a HUMAN with whom I could walk through this life instead of God Almighty, Creator of the Universe, who is more powerful than any living thing in this universe, combined and quadruply multiplied. It's absurd and I need to really be mindful of my foolishness in this matter.
I have a lot of fears. Kind of. Well, I suppose I don't have an exorbitant amount of fears, but the few fears I do have run deep and the end of their roots I have yet to find. I want to be healthy. I am 29 years old and I still eat like I am a 4 year old who just discovered 7-11. Seriously, I know better. My current eating habits are just plain old unacceptable. I am an emotional eater. I am not sure from where it stems, but that's another thing with pretty deep roots.
This is turning into quite the lengthy blog post. I am going to cut it short here even though I have plenty more to spew out of my mind. I have a 2 hour drive ahead of me. I think I thought that writing out all of my thoughts would make me feel better. And I suppose it did. For a second. But I still have those fears and writing this post is like speaking to a brick wall and expecting empathy.
Regardless, it does feel good to say things even if it's on a computer.
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