Thinkery

I am not quite sure how it happened, but I've suddenly found myself in a place of change.  Or, at the very least, desired change.  Small changes to start, which will eventually, I hope, lead to bigger changes down the road.  Example: I went running today AND I deleted my Netflix app. When was the last time I went running? Try never o'clock.  And how much of my life have I wasted watching reruns of the Office on my iPhone? Try five trillion thousand hours.  Sure, I had some sweet tarts this morning, and sure I haven't had nearly enough water today. But it feels good to cut something out and start doing something new.

A word that has been constantly floating all around the inside of my brain is the word "reclaim".  I feel like there is a lot about past-me that is no longer present, or is only present in a very faded way.  I want to reclaim that.  But how?

Sometimes I think about humans and it really weirds me out.  Like, what if God had created us in a completely different way? What if arms didn't exist, or what if there was no such thing as color or temperature? It's not like it would've been weird, because He is God and He can do whatever He wants and we wouldn't have known any different anyways. I guess what I am trying to say is that the concept of beauty can sometimes be comical to me. Like when a man turkey looks at a woman turkey and thinks she's beautiful (major assumption here) - we as humans are like "Gross, you can't even tell them apart. I mean, they have feather, for crying in a bucket." But that's how God created them so beauty is therefore a relative sort of thing, right?

Maybe these thoughts are revealing themselves to me because I am currently sitting in the corner of a coffee shop in Newport Beach and there is such a concentrated amount of """""beauty""""" (heavy quotations on that word) in here.  It's tempting to think I don't measure up. I usually fall for that temptation and wallow in it but I am trying to be better about punching that temptation in the face and then tossing its body into the Adriatic sea.

I know this sounds positively mushy but I really want to be with someone who will love me for me. I know everyone says that. We all say that, right? But what does that even mean?  I think what I mean is that sometimes I look in the mirror and I get discouraged.  And then a thought pops in my head and it sounds like this "You will find someone and they will love all of you. So stop your annoying worrying.  Because once you are with them, your imperfections will be part of why they love you."

Okay, barf me out right? But it really relieves the pressure I place (and society places) on myself somehow conform to the stick-figure, blonde, perfect-everything, ambitious, always young, capable of everything, stereotype that, for the record I DO NOT WANT TO BE.

I need to eat some food, my friend. I had an americano and that's about it. Gonna get me a salad. Until next thyme.