anxious.

If there was one word to describe how I am feeling and how I have been feeling for the past week, it would be anxious.  It refers to a lot of different situations I'm currently going through but they all seem to have this common theme.  I'm starting to lose my appetite, which honestly isn't the worst thing in the world.  But I'm distracted. Unfocused. Jittery. Worrisome.  Morose.  Actually writing about it isn't really helping.  So here is a verse to think about.

"In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety."
Psalms 4:8

yelly children

I am currently in Big Bear. I am currently at a Starbucks in Big Bear.  To be truthful, ever since the freeway ended yesterday and my ascent up the grand mountain began, I've been in "Whoa, I'm inspired" mode.  And it's lasted for almost 24 hours. I've written so many lyrics and have had so many ideas and have soaked in the essence of the trees and I've people watched and all that jazz.  And then, right before I depart on my trip back to city life/reality, I stop in this Starbucks and there are children YELLING. I know that I am not a parent and that I am probably overreacting but it's so over-the-top obnoxious that it has, at the moment, nixed my state of inspiredness and has me feeling super bitter over here in the corner.  I'm writing this here in order to cope, you know, instead of walking over there and punching each of them in the eye.

IN OTHER NEWS, I am in Big Bear.  Which means I am in the mountains. Which means that even though I don't live here, I feel at home. I felt at home the moment I opened the car window and the cold and crispy scent of fresh pine needles whisked through the womb of my car.

Okay they left.  Wow I need to figure out a way for myself to not be so affected by the presence of unruly childs.

Back to what I opened my laptop to talk about: the mountains. Yes, I feel at home in the mountains.

I can't help but feel a little sad any time I am experiencing a lot of happiness. I don't know if it's a personal thing - meaning, if it's something I need to work through - or if it's something that's just a part of life. I don't like it, and yet it kind of balances out the happy feelings I feel. Not sure I'll be able to figure this out tonight. All I know is that, since I have very, very melancholy tendencies, I shouldn't think too hard on the matter or else I'll just get bogged down and never move forward.

I'm only going to write this because I know that NO ONE reads this.  I really wish I had someone in my life who could share my burdens.  I think that sometimes I use that as an excuse.  Or as a source of bitterness towards my friends who seem to have everything together (I know that's not true for ANYONE).  Sometimes I feel that if I had someone to share everything with, then the scary things in life wouldn't seem so scary.  It's odd. It really is, when I truly think it through in a logical manner.  Because I do not view God the way I should and this is proof of that.  I would feel more secure and at ease if I had a HUMAN with whom I could walk through this life instead of God Almighty, Creator of the Universe, who is more powerful than any living thing in this universe, combined and quadruply multiplied. It's absurd and I need to really be mindful of my foolishness in this matter.

I have a lot of fears.  Kind of.  Well, I suppose I don't have an exorbitant amount of fears, but the few fears I do have run deep and the end of their roots I have yet to find.  I want to be healthy.  I am 29 years old and I still eat like I am a 4 year old who just discovered 7-11.  Seriously, I know better.  My current eating habits are just plain old unacceptable.  I am an emotional eater. I am not sure from where it stems, but that's another thing with pretty deep roots.

This is turning into quite the lengthy blog post.  I am going to cut it short here even though I have plenty more to spew out of my mind.  I have a 2 hour drive ahead of me.  I think I thought that writing out all of my thoughts would make me feel better.  And I suppose it did. For a second.  But I still have those fears and writing this post is like speaking to a brick wall and expecting empathy.

Regardless, it does feel good to say things even if it's on a computer.

multi-seed

Maybe this is a selfish thing to admit, but I don't feel like there is anyone in my life right now who inspires me.  Okay, hold on. Whoa whoa there. Back up. Beep. Beep. Beep.

I do have friends that inspire me, but I don't have that one friend. Do you know what I mean, me? I just feel like a bushel of spaghetti that's been tossed into a bowl of jello. In other words, I am tired and should probably not be blogging in this mental state. 

I had some homework to accomplish tonight and I didn't accomplish said homework. However I have all day tomorrow to accomplish the homework, so tomorrow I shall accomplish it. The homework, that is. 

Until the morrow, my good man. 

Thinkery

I am not quite sure how it happened, but I've suddenly found myself in a place of change.  Or, at the very least, desired change.  Small changes to start, which will eventually, I hope, lead to bigger changes down the road.  Example: I went running today AND I deleted my Netflix app. When was the last time I went running? Try never o'clock.  And how much of my life have I wasted watching reruns of the Office on my iPhone? Try five trillion thousand hours.  Sure, I had some sweet tarts this morning, and sure I haven't had nearly enough water today. But it feels good to cut something out and start doing something new.

A word that has been constantly floating all around the inside of my brain is the word "reclaim".  I feel like there is a lot about past-me that is no longer present, or is only present in a very faded way.  I want to reclaim that.  But how?

Sometimes I think about humans and it really weirds me out.  Like, what if God had created us in a completely different way? What if arms didn't exist, or what if there was no such thing as color or temperature? It's not like it would've been weird, because He is God and He can do whatever He wants and we wouldn't have known any different anyways. I guess what I am trying to say is that the concept of beauty can sometimes be comical to me. Like when a man turkey looks at a woman turkey and thinks she's beautiful (major assumption here) - we as humans are like "Gross, you can't even tell them apart. I mean, they have feather, for crying in a bucket." But that's how God created them so beauty is therefore a relative sort of thing, right?

Maybe these thoughts are revealing themselves to me because I am currently sitting in the corner of a coffee shop in Newport Beach and there is such a concentrated amount of """""beauty""""" (heavy quotations on that word) in here.  It's tempting to think I don't measure up. I usually fall for that temptation and wallow in it but I am trying to be better about punching that temptation in the face and then tossing its body into the Adriatic sea.

I know this sounds positively mushy but I really want to be with someone who will love me for me. I know everyone says that. We all say that, right? But what does that even mean?  I think what I mean is that sometimes I look in the mirror and I get discouraged.  And then a thought pops in my head and it sounds like this "You will find someone and they will love all of you. So stop your annoying worrying.  Because once you are with them, your imperfections will be part of why they love you."

Okay, barf me out right? But it really relieves the pressure I place (and society places) on myself somehow conform to the stick-figure, blonde, perfect-everything, ambitious, always young, capable of everything, stereotype that, for the record I DO NOT WANT TO BE.

I need to eat some food, my friend. I had an americano and that's about it. Gonna get me a salad. Until next thyme.

Carla

Tonight I went to Starbucks and met this lady who basically told me a lot about myself that was extremely insightful and helpful. I wish I could remember all of it now. Maybe I'll document it in the morn when it isn't 1:55am (well...I guess that's technically the morn but I can barely see straight I am so tired).

Adios, person.

iced coffee

I just rediscovered this ol' blog o' mine because my homework inadvertently ordered me to. The reading of said blog has taken me completely off the homework course and has plunged me deep into the River of Memory, where I am splashing around in reverie and thoroughly enjoying the weirdness of past me. Fast forward from college-me to right here, right now, this moment, teacher/grad student-me. I am a different person and in a way I sort of long to be who I was way back when. Although with just a little a dash of maturity and not so many posts about how poor I am. Oh and I guess I should mention that I am at a coffee shop since the title of this post is iced coffee. Although I already drank it all. It was okay. I don't really care for iced coffee because my brain automatically is like "Say WHAT, girl? Why is this coffee cold? Ew, it must be ancient and stale." I MUST do some homework like a productive adult. Cheeri-o.